Today Ameri starts her last highschool class

Please forgive my absence. Things have been rolling along like a big unstoppable freight train. Ameri has not had a hospitalization since April.

Today marks the beginning of the end of high school for Ameri. She has very little work to do and we affirm that she will get it done.

Ameri is working in a telemarketing operation. It has a couple of scam elements built into it but she sought them out and passed all the screening tests. She will become aware of the scam elements soon enough and get on to something better.

We have been affected by T.S. Alberto since 1330 hrs. Sunday. We had some wind gusts that split a couple of random trees in the area and there was some minor property damage. It has rained all night and will continue through the day.

Ameri posts will be more regular as we move Ameri along in the BIG world.

Much has Happened

Let's just start with today.

It is 1:30p.m. I just got up from falling into darkness for the second time since last midnight, I had to sleep in the guest bed so that I could make sure daughter fell asleep instead of getting dressed and leaving. Her meds kicked in and she slept straigt through until just thirty minutes ago. At 2:00a.m. I had to turn the phones off because her out of control bi-polar friend in IL called. When I looked at 8:00am. at the caller ID log, I noted that she had called repeatedly all through the early hours of the dark before dawn. Mom got to sleep through the night and I made her breakfast before she went to her office. I took my meds for the biblical curse I am writhing under, made a couple of post to you my dear friends, and fell back into blackness that passes for sleep for me these day. I am now recovering from a headache from hell and I am having coffee. Business orders are coming and going through the new system and I may yet survive.

Meanwhile the daughter is making her brunch. It's a big pan of brownies from Betty Cracker (msw intended). She is now lolling on the couch with 19 year old, 5ft-2in ampleness spilling out of her tiny Tee and panties atire playing with her profoundly in heat cat from the road. It looks like a scene from Baby Doll. I expect Burl Ives to show up any moment. I asked if she had taken her meds. She said yes. I looked. She lied. As soon as she gets that nutritious pan of brownies downloaded, she will commence a sugar rush which will turn into a manic cycle of her bi-polar condition and I will be left with planning the evening's activities of being in one emergency room or another, or at the county mental health facility. That will be shortly after she has purged that pan of brownies into the porcelain thrown. Mom spent the day yesterday driving her to some pharmacological genius MD four hours away (two if I'm driving). They had a $250.00 session with the King of Pharma. The lab fees were $150. None of this is covered by the regular insurance. We will make a claim on the medical spending account. The gas was $125.00. The new 'scripts are $15.00 apiece for the co-pay. There are six. Lunch and goodies, I don't know.

That's my story. So, how's by youse?

Lantern "My Wick Needs Trimmin"* Bearer

*Delta Blues standard - May be Robert Johnson

I missed my prediction by 36 hours

We had a fairly pleasant weekend. Ameri ordered pizza Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I had provided other choices but she refused to partake. Saturday evening did not end until 5:30am Sunday morning. Mom and Ameri watched DVDs and conversed after a fashion. Everyone slept in. We did not do church. We were all worn down by Ameri's decompression and recharge. On Saturday she did give the dogs very good baths and she dusted and combed the cats. I still have the litter boxes to tend.

Mom put together an Easter basket for Ameri. It had all the required chocolate rabbits, jelly eggs and a new MP3 player. Big mistake. Ameri loaded it up with trash rap and turned us out completely. She was in a declining state all day. She would take no medication and she was putting us further and further off. Mom had to take her to the county treatment center just after 6:00pm today. It is no deluxe hospital but they will get her back on medication. We had no huge scenes as we usually do. We had a nice diner in a restaurant last evening. I had not expected her to last into Sunday morning but she did. We won't see her again before Friday morning. There is a residential program she is eligible for but we can not get her to go that way. This catch as catch can is continuing to wear us down.

For me. The shingle attack could have been much more damaging than it was. I was fortunate to be able to have gotten on treatment early and aggressively. I still have some scalies over my left eye and ear, and their functioning is a bit whacked but I am recovering. I am getting a lot of sleep but it is not restful nor is it refreshing. My dreams have taken on a dark and uncomfortable theme. I have ramped up all my medications the near term. It is said that it take as long as three weeks to recover from a mild attack. I believe my usual high power recovery system will take over and the recovery will come along much quicker now. After all, when I had hip replacement surgery in 1999, I was out of the rehab center by the time most joint replacement patients are getting there from the hospital. I have been fortunate in that way.

Ameri is gone for the week. I have appointments with the ophthalmologist and the neurologist.

Life goes on.

Off by 36 Hours

We had a fairly pleasant weekend. Ameri ordered pizza Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I had provided other choices but she refused to partake. Saturday evening did not end until 5:30am Sunday morning. Mom and Ameri watched DVDs and conversed after a fashion. Everyone slept in. We did not do church. We were all worn down by Ameri's decompression and recharge. On Saturday she did give the dogs very good baths and she dusted and combed the cats. I still have the litter boxes to tend.

Mom put together an Easter basket for Ameri. It had all the required chocolate rabbits, jelly eggs and a new MP3 player. Big mistake. Ameri loaded it up with trash rap and turned us out completely. She was in a declining state all day. She would take no medication and she was putting us further and further off. Mom had to take her to the county treatment center just after 6:00pm today. It is no deluxe hospital but they will get her back on medication. We had no huge scenes as we usually do. We had a nice diner in a restaurant last evening. I had not expected her to last into Sunday morning but she did. We won't see her again before Friday morning. There is a residential program she is eligible for but we can not get her to go that way. This catch as catch can is continuing to wear us down.

For me. The shingle attack could have been much more damaging than it was. I was fortunate to be able to have gotten on treatment early and aggressively. I still have some scalies over my left eye and ear, and their functioning is a bit whacked but I am recovering. I am getting a lot of sleep but it is not restful nor is it refreshing. My dreams have taken on a dark and uncomfortable theme. I have ramped up all my medications the near term. It is said that it take as long as three weeks to recover from a mild attack. I believe my usual high power recovery system will take over and the recovery will come along much quicker now. After all, when I had hip replacement surgery in 1999, I was out of the rehab center by the time most joint replacement patients are getting there from the hospital. I have been fortunate in that way.

Ameri is gone for the week. I have appointments with the ophthalmologist and the neurologist.

Life goes on.

You Can Throw all That . . .

right out the window.

Mom picked Ameri up at the Hospital. Ameri wanted to immediately visit her new friend who was released from the hospital back to the treatment center from whence he had come. The visit was brief but eventful. Ameri was allowed to visit her friend in his room. They also sat together in the smoking area outside. Ameri had a canned soda from the vending area. She got back in the car with Mom after about an hours visit and began to come apart. This was not her usual melt down but rather she was in the beginning of a drug induced event. She was taken to a treatment center for evaluation and found to be in a toxic state. They sent her on to an emergency room. She was admitted medically and then transferred to the psychiatric floor. It is just this morning and afternoon that we have been able to parse out what had happened to her. Obviously she was drugged by the "friend" on her visit to his rehab center. Fortunately, he gave us his local contact, grandparents, phone number and his full name and home address. What to do now? We can not let something like this pass without letting the rehab center know.

My life is very complicated at the moment. Just a week ago I was ill and in the emergency room. That event has now come to be an outbreak of shingles on my face. Even though the main event is over, there is lingering nerve pain, a rash like outbreak on my face, and fatigue. I am now waiting for the rain of frogs to begin and for my pool water to turn to blood.

We are picking Ameri up within the hour. I am totally unprepared for her to be here. This has now devolved into a state of being ground down. My expectation is that she will be back in the hospital before Sunday morning. I rarely drink alcohol. This moment, however, seems like a good time for a beer and shot.

How to Make the Earth Move

The flood gates have opened.

My faxes to the hospital and the public defender's office have provided a whole new level of attention being paid to Ameri's case.

The public defender, a gracious young attorney, called this morning to say that he agreed whole heartedly that the past tack of release to the community was wrong. He is now advocating for treatment and release from confinement as is indicated by Ameri's willingness to participate.

We have not heard directly from the hospital but Ameri reports a new level of interest in her from staff that she has never seen before.

I am relieved for Ameri. I have no relief for the twenty other lost souls confined in that ward and those in the twenty other wards in our city, and the twenties of wards in the state, and the twenties of twenties of wards throughout the country where the mentally ill are being warehoused and shuffled around in a de facto Gulag of indifference. Where are the faith based agent of relief? Where are the Christians? Who will visit the sick, the dying, the homeless, the despised immigrant. Where is the Christ in you? The sin of indifference is worthy of the knotted cord.

Go and sin no more.

A New Push

Yesterday (Wednesday) was down day for the servers that host my blog. I am now able to make this new post.

All along, we have had one request of any hospital in which Ameri has been a patient. That is that she be on a stable dose of medication and that she be referred to a day treatment program or intensive out patient care. We have insurance resources to cover particular programs. To date, in dealing now with the sixth hospital, we have not had that happen.

This morning we got another cheerful call from hospital social services letting us know that Ameri was going to be released today and asked if we would pick her up.

I had to make a bold move. I sent a fax to the chief of hospital staff and his deputy for psychiatry indicating our frustration with the utter confusion and lack of coordination between all the departments of the hospital who have some say in what happens to our daughter. I requested that a due diligence assessment be made and that we meet with responsible staff in a formal meeting.

I also sent a fax to the public defender's office lauding the fine work being done by an attorney in that office to effect the release of our daughter back to the streets without any requirement for further treatment.

I have found that one must poke the hive to stir up the hornets. I have poked two hives today. I may poke some media hives and some state government hives overnight. It is all that I have. I will continue to poke as is necessary.

Last night I slept from 10pm to 6am. I had to take an anti anxiety tab and an Abien. My sleep was dreamless and without waking until 6am. It is the first in nearly two weeks.

This is Sunday

We saw Ameri last evening. She was in cheerful but rowdy mood. She showed all her bruises and dings from her wrestling matches with attendant staff when she needed to be subdued, medicated and restrained. She has a new young gentleman friend who is a fellow patient. He is confined in the hospital as a transfer from a local rehab program. He also had to be subdued, medicated and restrained. In the aftermath, it is very high comedy for them both and demonstrates the power that they have with getting attention from staff. Mom and I could not listen to the retelling and the comments they made to each other and across the room to staff. We had to make to leave to make our point. It was a short visit. Ameri did announce that she was going to be released on Sunday or Monday. No one spoke to us about that when we were there.

We got a cheerful call from a social worker today saying that since Ameri had become stabilized that she was going to be released. I immediately got on the phone to the nursing staff to find out what was going on. From here on things get very confusing. The patient services coordinator expressed that it was her pleasant duty to inform us that Ameri would in fact be released. "When will you pick her up?" I then reviewed the previous three day events and confirmed that Ameri was not taking any medication. I then confirmed that we in fact had a letter from the court stating that Ameri's condition warranted an upgrade in finding that she was in fact promoted to a level of concern that warranted her continued confinement. After much spluttering and back tracking, the patient services coordinator then had to reverse course. I requested that I be able to speak to the doctor. I laid out a very strong case for that courtesy and sure enough we got a call from the doctor. Oh, no. She is staying for at least another week. I asked about the aftercare plan and he searched for it and found that there was none. After we had a course correction we proceeded to get up to date with him. He is concerned that we want to get Ameri out as soon as possible to return to the comfort of home and hearth. NΟ! Hell Νο! We wanted her stabilized on medication and transitioned to an inpatient or day treatment program. We gave him two good alternatives. They are both out of the county where Ameri is now confined. His response, "We normally are unable to refer out of county." So be it. What alternatives can your social services provide? Dead air.

Here is the way things will probably work out. A new MD/Psychiatrist will be on the rotation for that psych ward starting on Monday morning. The doctor we spoke to today will be able to pass this mess on gracefully and return to his daily practice. The new doctor will review the caseload and kick out the deadwood. Ameri will smile sweetly and take on her deadwood look. By mid week she will have effected her own release and be on the street again, unmedicated, and to be transported out of county by a cab service. She will call us to say that she is not coming home. Within 48 hours she will begin to meltdown and her calls will become plaintive and tearful. At just over 72 hours she will have entered another emergency room or will approach a law enforcement officer and indicate that she is going to kill herself. The cycle will continue.

Yes there is a court order. This is wonderland and Alice is ten feet tall.

White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall

And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you're going to fall
Tell'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
Call Alice
When she was just small

When men on the chessboard
get up and tell you where to go
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving slow
Go ask Alice
I think she'll know

When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's off with her head
Remember what the doormouse said:
"Feed your Head
Feed your Head!"

This Past Week

I have pointed out before - things move fast when dealing with Ameri.

The living arrangement with the boy friend did not work out. His schedule is 12 hours on/12hours off. Then there is the travel time and he has to depend on a ride from co-workers. Ameri was left with too much time on her hands and she had stopped taking her medication. She went into melt down. Mom had to make the long trip to pick her up. She took her to the local hospital. They had no psychiatric facilities. She was sent on to another facility an hour further away from home. Mom had to leave Ameri at that facility and she drove home. Two days later she was being precipitously released and Mom had to make the long trip back and pick her up. They returned to the boy friend's apartment, picked up Ameri's belongings and went to an appointment to see a family physician in another rural town. This particular doctor keeps his practice away from the metropolitan centers. He works with psychologists and therapists who have offices in those areas. Ameri has a long assessment visit with him. He had already read her history back in September when we had first hoped that she would come home and be treated by him. She felt an immediate rapport with him. I had the same response when I first met him.
The doctor found nothing that we had not already seen in Ameri. Her diagnosis is quite compatible with disorders originating from poor prenatal and neonatal care. He commented that the well documented poor attention and abuse as an infant and toddler have left their telling mark. The serial attachment and abandonment events that she experienced until age 7 have had a profound effect on her ability bond and trust to this day. Ameri seems quite happy to put herself into the care of strangers rather than us. She sees Mom and myself more as siblings rather than parents.

That was a long overnight trip for Mom to pick Ameri up and take her to the doctor. Mom was prepared to stay in that rural town with Ameri so that she could begin a medication regimen with the doctor and have daily visits with him. Ameri had other ideas. She wanted to come back to our home turf and commit herself to a hospital that she trusted. That was done and she was admitted ten hours later. It was well after midnight. It was a very long day.

After a tumultuous trip from across the state, Ameri reportedly went into a manic outbreak and was eventually sedated shortly after admission. We saw her again the evening of the same day that she was admitted. She had finally slept and was in the state of a cranky two year old. She had been a pain off and on all day to staff. That not withstanding, we were received cordially by the floor staff. We had a short visit and then a clinging tearful separation. Shortly after we got home, there was a call from the patient care supervisor on the shift telling us that Ameri had to be sedated heavily again. She was still able to cut herself with some jewelry that had not been taken from her at admission. She was then put into restraints and put into the quiet room. We acknowledged that message by sending a fax to the psych floor repeating what we had been told. That was Thursday March, 30. We had calls from both Ameri and hospital staff on Friday. Ameri had another episode and had to be sedated again. We visited again on Friday evening. The staff was quite distant with us. Ameri was chipper and freshly showered.

It has always been such.

Ameri has a New Family or Not

(As this is a recap of posts from another blog, please catch up by checking down this page a bit and even the archives listed of the right)

Ameri’s new family is is very excited about having such a beautiful blond and curly haired doll-child in their midst.

The boys get along with her easily and things start as well as can be expected. There are uncountable photographs taken of her. Diane eagerly buys the most adorable outfits and has quarterly Olan Mills studio photos made. Ameri has never had this kind of attention before. One can only imagine what a pleasure it must have been for this previously unwanted child. As was fore shadowed in the previous post, things started going downhill. Ameri starts to display her fretful side and she exhibits behaviors and body gestures that only hint at the darker side of her earlier years. These behaviors become a real problem in pre-K and in kindergarten. Ameri is seen by psychiatrist, psychologists and a bevy of pop-therapist. By age five, Ameri is being dosed with various medications and begins periods of inpatient treatment. By the time she is old enough for first grade, it is quite obvious that something is profoundly amiss with this beautiful child. Her treatment and medications have begun to cause concern with the health care insurance administrators and this has put the continuation of that insurance in jeopardy. Diane is a rejected mother. She experiences a period of hospitalization that reveals that she has untreated symptoms and psychological damage from abuse and misuse at the hand of adults in her early years. It discovered also that Bob has issues that have never been adequately addressed. The boys are now beginning to display behaviors and delinquencies that arise from the stress of just being boys and the troubles that are being revealed in their parents. Things begin to fall apart quickly. The oldest boy is in trouble in the community and is known to law enforcement. He also is keen to marry his girlfriend, even though both are just of age and have no college or ready prospects. The middle child also displays troubling behaviors at school. The youngest is struggling in school and he is found to be profoundly dyslexic. Something has to break.

In the midst of what seems to be a family melt down, Ameri has been referred to a residential treatment center that is a national model for children and families that are in the most dire conditions as displayed by Ameri's new family. Ameri is admitted with the proviso that she is only the pivot around which family treatment will be provided. Suitable arrangements are made with the insurance providers and assessments and history are collected. When the first full family session is arranged, only Bob and the youngest boy are present. Ameri is in her third week at the facility and Diane is unable to attend because she is getting ready to display an animal and compete in a show event. Needless to say this puts a whole new picture on the plans and expectations for the treatment staff. Questions arise. A deeper investigation may be needed. Diane is then contacted by a very well qualified staff member and arrangements are made for another meeting. It is now approaching thirty days that Ameri has been at the facility and she has had only one visit from anyone in her new family. A date is set for the next meeting and all seems to be back on course.

On the day of the meeting, Ameri gets to dress in her best clothes. She is very excited that she will get to see her "Mommy" again. The family gathers with staff in the big conference room. Ameri comes in and has an emotional reconnection with her "family". The meeting has not progressed far when "Mommy" announces that she does not want Ameri to come back home and that she has already seen a lawyer to make arrangement to sever paternal right and responsibilities with Ameri. This statement explodes in front of the gathered staff like a bolt of lightning. Ameri does not fully comprehend the situation and she is hustled out of the room as pandemonium ensues among Bob, Diane and the boys. The gathered staff, including a prominent psychiatrist and several multi-degreed professionals absorb the impact of the statement. They request to hear it again. It is repeated. Staff then adjourn to another room to discuss the implications. In the conference room, Diane is coldly gathering her family to leave. No! We have come to say what we have to say and we will now leave. And so it was. The family departed with out seeing Ameri again.

Over the days and weeks that follow, conferences and consultations were held among staff and state juvenile authorities. There was discussion that such a situation must be brought to the attention of the states attorney's office. The family attorney begins to make counter moves and submits argument to the courts that the family's request must be met. It become clear to staff at the treatment center that it is in Ameri's best interest that she not be returned to the family immediately and that some thing must be worked out. The state's attorney and the state department of law enforcement have not before been presented with a like case. There is very little on the books. The family attorney puts together a hard and abrasive case to achieve their wishes. Some power chips are called in by the family that can only be described as favors from individuals who are politically connected.

I now must pause and present the rest of this in another post. At the moment my life is on hold because of the current situation in which Ameri has placed herself. My role in Ameri's life has been one of being the primary transporter and caregiver to her. As she moved into her teens, she needed to have more care and attention from Mom. My role then became one of running interference when Ameri made demands of Mom that conflicted with Mom’s professional duties. That soon devolved into Ameri going around me at every opportunity and making arrangements with Mom on the sly. Mom allowed it. I have now become the pivot on which much conflict arises. I have to be the “NO!” parent and Mom has become the “We-will-talk-about-it.” Parent.

The story continues.

Ameri Grows from a Toddler to a Kindergartener

(As this is a recap of posts from another blog, please catch up by checking down this page a bit and even the archives listed of the right)

Ameri's life with Grandma Lilya continues. By the time she is seventeen months old, however, she is beginning to put a real crimp in Lilya's style and styling. Ameri has been passed around to friends and acquaintances. She has experienced some good care and some not so good care. There is some talk that she has been used in ways that are just not conventional. She has been with older kids and questionable adults. There has been no serrious intervention from any governmental or family service agencies If anything has gone on it has been kept quiet. But, clearly Lilya is not too happy with the way things are going and the obvious behavioral manifestations she has seen in Ameri.

Lilya is acquainted with a couple that she knows from a church group, and she gets wind that they are looking to adopt a child. They have boys, but they want a girl. Lilya finds a way to approach Bob and Diane and to present them with an opportunity. So as to not get bogged down in details we will say that a deal is struck and Ameri is handed over in a relatively unsupervised adoption proceeding that was handled by an attorney and a judge.

Ameri goes to live with Bob, Diane and the boys. We must imagine the joy they must have felt that they were getting such a beautiful child. She has golden ringlets of hair. She has kissable cheeks and she is overwhelmed by so much attention. Bob and Diane love sweet little things. After they were through having the boys, they filled in their nurturing needs with exotic pets and toy animals of various species. But, now, here they have a beautiful child. The camera never stops. Diane loves to dress Ameri up and off they go to the photographers studio for a shoot. I have some of those pictures. Ameri is a doll. She is just sweet and perfect in every picture. In time, though, the effect of birth circumstances and early care begin to show their results. Ameri begins to act out in strange ways and displays motions and activities that are at first puzzling and then as they are to be understood become disturbing. Bob and Diane find that they need to seek professional help for Ameri.

Ameri's behavior and habits become more and more disturbing. She does not seem to want to accept affection, nor does she seem in any way to be attached to Bob and Diane except for when food or treats are involved. The boys have doted on little Ameri. They play with her and watch out for her. They share their treats with Ameri. Still, there seems to be only a tenuous bond with her new brothers. Children seen to have one level of expectation with each other and quite another with parent figures. This is especially pronounced with Ameri. She has rejected all of Diane's motherly overtures and she is even hostile to her at times. That hostility shows itself by screaming and running away from Diane. It also come out in distinctly destructive or hurting acts that are targeted at precious mementos, pictures and family pets. The professional visits ramp up in frequency. As Ameri gets on to her third year she is really starting to show her stuff.

Between ages three and four, Ameri is placed out in daycare and therapeutic respite centers. As she moves toward her fifth year she is in pre-kindergarten and then kindergarten. She is a hand full every where. She is accepted for a while and then has to move on. She is not an easy child to manage. When she is with other children with marginal problems, a dynamic arises that causes the allied behaviors to be greater than the sum of the parts. Now, Ameri must experience her first hospitalization.

Let's Begin at the Begining with Ameri

(I must now recap the posts that I started on my old blog. It was not meant to be as personal as it had become with the Ameri accounts.)

Here is the first Ameri post.

Ameri: A Throw Away Child

Ameri is Born and Reborn

I have two daughters. One daughter came into the world within a marriage and she had the benefit of two loving parents. She was the first born grandchild of two combined whole families in which there were five aunts, four grandparents and five living great grandparents. She grew into a fine adult. She was an outstanding student all through grade school and high school. She became an outstanding track athlete. She brought the first state champion honors to her high school. She was recruited heavily by all the big name schools seeking women athletes. She chose one that seemed like a good fit, but after the first year she had topped out as an athlete. She was the president of her pledge. She was sought after socially. She was far ahead of the academics of her freshmen offerings. She chose to change schools after completing her spring term. She chose to attend a school with rigorous academic standards and she also chose to become a walk-on candidate for the track team. She had no scholarship money of any kind. She chose the school because of the reputation of the coach and the scholastic demands. She eventually graduated with honors and NCAA titles. She is now making her way in a very competitive world, in a very competitive city, and she is standing solidly on her own two feet. Let us call her, Nike (Νικη). That would be pronounced knee-kay. The shoe company pronunciation not withstanding.

My second daughter, let's call her America or Ameri for short, was the second born child of a woman, we will call her Avril, who had not known the security of a stable home or loving parents for most of her life. That woman had been born to a woman who had grown up under conditions that were equally barren of love and stability. My daughter, Ameri, was the only living child of that unfortunate mother, Avril. Her first child was dead at birth. Ameri is then an only child. Ameri has no father of record. Ameri and her mother were released from the hospital and sent home. Her first home was a shared room with another man and woman who were in Ameri's mother's drug and alcohol crowd. That situation broke down early on and the trail from there leads from one shared accommodation to another that included various hotels and flop houses. At the end of about three months of that existence, Ameri was returned to the hospital where she was born. Avril disappears.

Ameri's physical condition, when she was brought back to the hospital, was not good. She was underweight for her age, twelve pounds at 90 days. She was covered in scabs and her genitals were swollen and traumatized by either severe diaper rash or frictional abuse. She was dehydrated near to the point of dry. Her brain activity was more of a scratchy impression of seizure than any other way to describe it. She was near death. From that point, until Ameri was released from the hospital three weeks later. A seeming miracle has occurred. Tiny Ameri was brought back from near death to being, instead of a functioning three month old infant, for all practical purposes a new born. She weighed just over fifteen pounds. Her stretched out body length was just over fourteen inches. That she recovered at all was seen as a major event by the hospital staff and that she seemed to respond with the minimum capabilities of a new born was seen as a further remarkable event by the hospital staff. Since Avril, Ameri's mom, has disappeared, it is now necessary for Avril's mother, Ameri's grandmother, to take custody when Ameri is released from the hospital after a three week stay. We shall call Ameri's grandmother, Lilya. Lilya takes Ameri home to an apartment she shares with her current boyfriend. The boy friend's name does not matter because he is one of many.

This part of the story ends. Ameri is alive. She starts life again with Grandmother, Lilya.

Back to Square One

Ameri called on Monday with complaints. She was not having the romantic adventure that she had her heart set on. Boy friend comes home from a twelve hour shift at dawn and after a couple of beers with the boys. He wants sex and sleep. Ameri wants other attention and she has already slept. It's an old story.

Yesterday Mom had to do the four hour drive to meet up with her. Ameri's refuge is the hospital or in patient treatment center. In the area where she is staying there are no treatment facilities or hospital psych wards. She had Mom take her to a small regional hospital. It is a rural hospital in an agricultural community. In the waiting area there were farm workers with grievous trauma, farm worker children in feverish distress, and an unconscious black convict from a private prison shackled to a gurney hand and foot. There are no psych facilities. Mom sits with Ameri for nearly four hours while the sick and injured come and go. Finally, Ameri is admitted provisionally and will be transported to another facility further from home. Mom still has a four hour drive home. She had to leave Ameri at the hospital. It was not an easy decision but there was no other way. Ameri does not seem to feel any discomfort being in the care of strangers. She recognizes that there is a professional ethic and SOP that will be followed and she feels safe with that.

Ameri's behavior is predictable over a cycle of days, weeks and months. The long cycle is tripped by the coming of Halloween and begins to wind down after Easter. This cycle also coincides with her birth trauma, abandonment events by caretakers and the Holidays. Within the long cycle we find that Ameri experiences episodic cycles of functionality and then breakdown. Even in these sub cycles there are yet other sub cycles of mood and behavior. Even in the best of times her attitude, habits and behavior toward us can only be described as execrable. We do on occasion see some glimmer of a smile and a bit of laughter, but that is very rare.

So to wrap up for today. Ameri is somewhere five or more hours from home. She is being questioned and evaluated. They may or may not hear right away about the hospitalizations that she has experienced since August 2005. No one has contacted us. This situation is not as personally traumatic as it has been in the past. Mom is coping and putting her cheerful spin on things. I am seething and as hurt as I have ever been. There are things I need to be doing in my life but I need only start a project and Ameri pops in with a need that is complicated, requires an expenditure of cash and will require driving time. The cycle continues.

More

Short Honeymoon

I knew that the phone situation (no provider tower) was going to be a deal killer in Ameri's remote refuge. She also has to be apart from the boy friend for 12 plus hours. When he is off work he has to sleep. If she last till Tuesday, I will be surprised.

More

Think Fast - Don't Blink

Whoa! Things move fast when Ameri plans.

Ameri has been on her carwash job about ten days. She even had some days off in between. She put together a trip to see her boyfriend and she needed our cooperation to get the job done. The turn-around trip is just about eight hours. It is a very senic day time trip, but at night there are such hazards as wild boar, alligators and loose cattle to worry about. Every week there is some blurb in the newspaper about some unlucky soul plowing into a critter.

I started the trip with Ameri and Mom. We had to pick her up at work. Then took her to get her check cashed. And then we had to sit in dropped-jaw amazement at what the plans, and costs are going to be for the trip. Ameri's check was not going to cover the caper. A great argument ensues. Mom is attempting to bring some reality to the plans and budget. The gas alone was going to take more than half of the pay check. And, no we are not going to even start until we have the gas money in our hands. I did not get that far. I drove home, removed my set of keys from the ignition and let it be known that my part was now over. So Mom and Ameri take off into the sunset for a 200 mile drive with a fold-out map of the route from here to there.

The last I saw of the boyfriend about twelve days ago was his cheery face in the midnight light of the last hotel room available in a sleepy snowbird resort town. See ya.

Mom and Ameri drive to his new address and are surprised to find his current abode is on the shore of a major winter snowbird resort lake. His job provides a per diem allowance and the place is surprisingly nice. It is now coming on to the end of the season there and with Easter the place will become nearly deserted until after Election Day in November. Mom is relieved to discover that the manager of the place is a retired Midwestern woman of a very agreeable nature who runs the place in a no nonsense manner.

The trip took place over night, Saturday. Mom and Ameri were let into the apartment; a very large one room efficiency with a private dock and a panoramic view of the lake. Boyfriend had to pull an overnight shift on the welding crew at the job site so Mom and Ameri got a little sleep and then had breakfast with the boyfriend this morning. Everyone was muy simpatico. The nearby convenience store is hiring and Ameri may attempt to get on there. Or, so I am told. Mom got back home about noon today. She had a long nap. We talked about how this might work out. Everyone is so relieved - until the phone rings. It is Ameri. She is not satisfied because her phone is out of range of her provider tower and she is on roaming. CRISIS!

Ameri's other life is one of great drama and it takes place on the phone. She is in constant contact and conflict with about a dozen or so of her drama kings and queens from her travels of the summer through late fall. She does in fact have a very richly fabricated and embroidered life with those folks. There is not a word of it that is true but it keeps the cellular towers a-smokin'.

The day came to a close very much unsettled and fraught with gauzy pessimism.

My head hurts.

Short Relapse and Now Recovery

As we figured, Ameri's stay at the county mental health facility was short and not so sweet. How bad could it be? She was in on Monday and out on Wednesday. "There wasn't anybody nice there." She went to school today. They are going to allow her to complete some work and finish in summer school. They have really gone out of their way to make things happen. They need the check too.

Job? Yes, at the neighborhood all girl crew car wash. We shall see what we shall see.

Oh, the boyfriend. He is staying over at the out of town worksite. Ameri has indicated that she wishes to make another road trip over there. If she does, it will have to be Greyhound and a connection with el Xpresso local service. I am not driving that route again for a while - no matter how much I like it.

More later.

Short Recovery and Now Relapse

Today Ameri got up and went out the door to go to school for the first time in months. She has so little work to finish that the school has been working with us on attendance. They are not happy about her attitude and behaviors but she is still enrolled. Her teacher who was such a comfort to her last year in the spring and summer was too put out today to give much comfort.

Ameri came in with Mom at 5:00p and they left for a therapy session at 6:00p. Mom has just returned home alone. While in the therapist's office she said that if she went home she would harm herself. Of course the therapist is then obligated to call 911 and have law enforcement come in. When the policeman arrived he discussed things with Mom, he said that he would have to go on an do what had to be done because he had just come from working a teen suicide.

The therapist, being relatively new to her profession, had never had to proceed on her own with such a situation. Mom had to provide some support for the therapist. Just today I confirmed an appointment with a psychiatrist for Tuesday. This appointment came as the result of an eight day confinement in early February. The facility of choice, for insurance purposes, was full so now she will have to be confined in what ever facility has a bed. We live in a compact and densely populated metropolitan area, so no facility is more than forty five minutes away.

If you are asking yourself ,"Why?" I must respond that only God and Ameri know the answer to that.

If you wish to catch up and review some history of this drama go to

http://sinopianview.blogspot.com/ and find the archives on the right sidebar.

Recovery and Road Trip

Ameri was released from the hospital on a shaky living plan. We were not involved in her pickup. The hospital sent her by cab to a rough motel in a nearby part of our metro area. She did call us but would not let on where she was. She has a new boyfriend. When she disappeared into the hospital she did not even call him. He called us. He turns out to be a nice guy. He is just a bit of a blemished angel, but Ameri responds to him when she gets into her hard headed state.

The new boyfriend is a pipe fitter and welder. He is a gypsy welder and so the crew that he is on can be going anywhere in the southeast. He has no transportation so we took him to an in-state job on Sunday (Mar. 5 2006) I was either that or Ameri taking off with him on the bus.

Ameri got a great deal of past due homework done this weekend, with the boy friend’s help and she went into school today to work there. She seems to be responding to the current combinations of medications that are prescribed.

The drive to the job and return was a bit of a haul. We felt good about doing that for him. He has been a steadying influence on Ameri.

It could be a whole lot worse.

Today the drama continues . . .

The hospital wants Ameri to be moved along and Ameri knows that she is in a safe place. She has no choice but to comply when she is locked away. When she is home, her impulses take over and she can go out the door as she chooses. We have no control except to lock her out. Tough love is not an easy proposition for either side.

I am reminded of a Fleetwood Mac song that addresses the ways of love and relationships no matter if they are of eros or familial.

It goes:

The Chain

Listen to the wind blow, watch the sun rise

Run in the shadows
Damn your love, damn your lies

And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain
And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain

Listen to the wind blow, down comes the night

Run in the shadows
Damn your love, damn your lies

Break the silence
Damn the dark, damn the light

And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain
And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain
And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain

Chain...keeps us together
(run into the shadows)
Chain...keeps us together
(run into the shadows)
Chain...keeps us together
(run into the shadows)

The Chain Lyrics
Artist(Band):Fleetwood Mac

Written by Lindsey Buckingham, Stevie Nicks,
Mick Fleetwood, Christine McVie, and John McVie

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/The-Chain-lyrics-Fleetwood-Mac/3C8D9CF420A1CCFA4825696500143B58.

Ameri Still in a Swirl

Since my last post Ameri has had a hospital stay, was released, came home, took a shower, order a pizza, called a cab and disappeared for five days. She called on occasion. She was not in good circumstances but she was not too concerned. She eventually called law enforcement and her circumstances and condition warranted returning to a hospital. She was in a hospital and sedated for two days before we knew where she was. She was transferred under sedation to a more distant hospital. She finally gave us a call to say where she was. The nursing and treatment staff are of course, outstanding. We have been in two very good family sessions but to no avail. Ameri's is willing to cooperate and seek outpatient treatment.

Two things have come together that make going forward more difficult than before. Ameri is now 19 and has not finished her high school work - one class. She is now by all circumstances no longer eligible for our family insurance plan. She knows that and does not seem to care. She knows that she can always make bloody scratches on her wrists and she can be committed law enforcement to a 72 hour hold in a hospital. Of course! None of this makes sense.

There are sixteen beds available in our metropolitan area for the treatment of conditions like Ameri's. We have a pro football team, a pro baseball team and a pro hockey team. The waiting list for those 16 beds is over 300 persons.

Remember. Ameri's condition originated before birth. She had a life threatening first three months. She was handed a around and abandoned by two families before she came to us.

The story continues.